to two people that i can't live without.

it is a terrible pain when I'm not able to say what i feel to people that i love the most because it will hurt them and hurting them is the last thing i want to do in this world. other than Allah, i try my best every single day to be the best person to them too . only He knows how i want to be 'perfect' to them but I'm young and i know i make wrong decisions all the times.

but now, i know what i want and I'm sure this is the best for me. I don't want to be a girl who loves someone with no purpose because i know it's wrong. this is a serious decision and it is not that i want to play around. eh hello, i almost lost a friend  with this decision.  I try so hard to please everyone and prove to them that I've made a right decision but things keep falling apart. 

why can't it be easy for me? why do you guys have to be at two different ends of the spectrum? why do you guys have to put me in the middle? why can't you guys make it easy for me? why? like i said, I'm young. i have a lot of 'why' in my head. like you always say,you guys are so-called adult or older people and me, just a child, why don't you guys behave like how adults should behave?

I'm not blaming anyone. in facts, I'm a girl who blames myself for everything.( i feel sorry to my shrink because he couldn't change this part of me. ah, now i miss talking to him) with all these things, i can't stop blaming myself too. my self-destructive button is sensitive. can't help.

oh God. help me.

i miss someone that i can talk to without judging me. 

p.s : hate me if you want. not my mom.