It was 4 am and I could not bring myself to sleep. It was not because of pregnancy insomnia this time. I was very tired since I cooked one whole chicken, making rissoles from scratch and cleaned my whole house. I purposely tried to make myself tired during the day so that I could have a better sleep at night. Plus it is recommended to be active at this stage to ease labour. There were no reasons to not fall asleep that night. I looked at my husband who was sleeping next to me comfortably and soundly without a baby twirling and kicking in his tummy. How could you sleep while I even out of my breath if I lay down on my back. If I sleep on my right or left, my baby will start twirling and kicking so hard. Then, it hit me. The reason why I could not sleep this past few weeks because I'm worried. I'm worried that my baby is not comfortable with my sleep position or I'm just afraid I will somehow crush her, I dont know. I mean it is not medically possible because the amniotic fluid won't allow me to crush her and her still soft bones make her very flexible at this stage. But may be my pregnancy hormone or maternal instinct that somehow makes me think the worst things. I dont get this feeling during my first or second trimester and to be honest, at first, I didn't feel any connection at all with my sweet baby. It is not that we don't plan to have her (believe me, we want this baby more than anything else in this world), but I just could not bond with her during the first 5 months of my pregnancy. I read many articles how to bond with your bump but I still felt nothing. Then, I talked to my sister-in-law whom I'm very closed with (God bless her, I love her so much) and of course, my mother too. They made me feel normal because they also had the same problem during their first pregnancy. Alhamdulillah after practising what they shared with me I feel very connected to my baby (I'll try to write about this in another post because I know some of my friends also have the same problem). As my pregnancy progress, I started to understand what people mean by maternal instinct. Plus, my baby now can reacts to external stimuli, it makes our bonding time becomes more fun. I talk, sing and read to her. I really enjoy the bond we have but sometimes, I wish to have just one or two nights in a week when I can sleep peacefully.
After trying all sorts of position to sleep that night, I finally melted down and cried like a baby. I didn't want to wake my husband since he has been working hard lately and he needed his rest. I went to the room next to ours as we turned it to the nursery room. When I looked at the clean white baby cot that my husband assembled, the changing table, the toys we bought for our baby and all her tiny clothes that look so cute, I cried again. This time I cried because I feel bad thinking that I will not be a good mother because I asked for a good sleep. I feel so guilty and ungrateful for wishing my baby to stop kicking at night just because I wanted my good sleep. I don't know if this is just my crazy roller coster pregnancy hormones but I'm very sure the journey to be a mother is not easy It is not only you have to endure the physical pain but also emotionally. I'm learning step by step now. I love my mother more than ever now and I'm getting to understand her more and more. All mothers just want the best for their children and sacrifice is the key.