The owner of a lonely heart.

I got a text from my little cousin (she is 17. Not so little anymore, I guess) this morning, telling me she wants to study medicine in  Dublin so bad because she thinks I have a wonderful life here solely based on what I wrote in this blog .Wanting to do medicine is one thing, having an idea that I have a wonderful and happy-all-the-time- life here is just..haih..

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Dear my little cousin who is not so little anymore,

First of all, how did you find my blog? Secondly, have you read all my previous entries that are so depressing and annoying? My life here is not always revolving around vintage cafes and travelling. Oh, dear. If only you know how my life really is. Studying medicine is one thing, being a grown up ( which you don't want to) and have to go on with you life alone in a foreign city is another whole thing. I know you are a brilliant student and you can study whatever course you want but if you want to do medicine just for the sake of going abroad and have a 'wonderful' life, I think you are about to do the biggest mistake in your life. Medicine 'steals' everything from you like your time ( 2 years of preparation to fly abroad plus 5 years in medical school. 7 years!), your energy ( I lost kilos during exam week and say hello to depression), your social life ( after a while, you will notice almost all your friends are people you meet at medical school or other medical schools or some doctors).

Other than lectures and wards rounds,sitting in front of my supervisor computer extracting information from database is my new 'job'. 

You think your life as 17 year old girl is sucks and you can't stand your parents and siblings at home who you feel they are breathing under your nose sucking up all your oxygen? Let kakak tell you this, currently I'm living alone and away from my other Malaysian friends. All my neighbours are local people who don't give a shit about my life even when  I'm screaming my lungs out for help. All I have are Allah and a cap-ayam phone in  my hand (and oh En.Wonderwall on skype) if anything happens. You know what, there is nothing more I want right now other than my parents to protect me and my siblings to talk to and I don't care anymore if they are breathing under my nose. Sometimes, I wish the wall can talk to me.Living in fear,worry and loneliness everyday is not a wonderful life, I guess. Please appreciate your time with your parents and siblings at home because you don't want to be like me now who cry everyday before sleep or even in my sleep wishing they are here so that I don't have to be alone in fear.
If you think I always eat at fancy restaurants and eat good food just because I blog about it, you are wrong. I blog about good food at fancy restaurant because most of the times I eat crap. Like just now, I have nothing to eat and no more rice left plus I'm too sick or rather too lazy to go to buy and bring back 5 kg of beras alone. Then I made myself cekodok and that, ladies and gentlemen, my meal of the day (I really need to buy beras tomorrow. I feel like I'm living in a war now).

Well, not everything is bad  about medicine and studying abroad . Everyone has ups and downs in life . I also have those moment when I need reasons to go on with everything here. I need hope to move on and with absence of reasons and hope, I just stay in bed and feel like I might die today but we cannot find peace by avoiding life. Life goes on, anyway.


So, yeah, you are 17, so young and ambitious. Explore all the options you have. Don't rush. Life is not like rainbows in a jar. If you have option not to grow up, choose that option.







Now, I'm hungry.Argh.