one awesome day.

The best day in life is when you finally find what your passion is. Today is definitely the best day in my life ( you know, other than getting married bla..bla..bla) because I finally found what I really want to be. Today, my hand was literally inside someone's body.

"Look at that, S!" 

"Is that...?"

"Oh yeah. That's the f***ing tumour!

Argh the best feeling ever. He actually asked me to scrub in because I always show up early and... I have small hands? I dont know what he meant by that.  It reminds me of my surgical attachment that I had during my third year where I got to be the surgeon's first assistant (because there was a major trauma case in A&E that time)in a quite complicated elective orthopaedic case. 

Oh well, I just had the best day today. I totally forgot whatever pain that I have. Surgery is definitely my painkiller. 

Growing up is painful.

We tend to see other people's mistakes not ours. We tend to remember people who have hurt us not the people that we hurt. We always feel other people's effort are not good enough while we dont even try to make effort. Selfish or childish. We need to grow up. Try to admit out own mistakes, appreciate other people and apologise to people we have hurt. Grow up. Growing up is painful but until when do you want to be a child? A child who thinks people need to follow their order or not, he or she will throw tantrum. A child who only thinks people should give whatever he or she wants. A child who always denies his or her mistakes. We need to grow up. 

I rather keep it to myself

Some people find comfort by telling people about their problems. Some people just keep everything to themselves and it kills them slowly. I'm one of the later kind. It's very hard for me to talk to people about my personal stuff and if i be open with someone, that someone must be a therapist or a really closed friend . My therapist had a very hard time with me. I used to waste 2 sessions with him by just saying 'yes' or 'no'. Lol. That was my old story. He's a very nice person and excellent therapist, don't get me wrong. 

Anyway, I'm a human with feelings and shits to handle everyday. I have my own struggle and suffer but I don't tell people because that is just not my thing but that doesn't mean I don't get hurt.

Let's understand each other, people. As we grow older, we need to stop thinking everything happens in this world is all about us. World doesn't revolve around us. Yes, you might have problems, you might get hurt but there are people who are also have problems and hurt as much as you do but they choose not to tell people and that's just how they are. God creates feeling to all human beings, remember? Don't be selfish.

Have a good weekend, people.

of Mr. Reynauld and examiner yang kacak.

Ya Allah, I just had a very looooooong day. No, it was a looooooooooooooooooong day. Right now, I'm really tired physically and emotionally ( argh got a bit of drama this morning). Today, was just the day when all my energy and spirit were drained like the water from a leaked pipe I have in my bathroom now and this reminds me to call my super nice landlord to come and fix that since Ireland now charge people for water usage! Water was the only thing that used to be free in Ireland but not anymore. Where was I? Oh yeah, I had a super long day. I had exam at 5:15 in the freaking evening. We should get extra marks for staying late  from 8 :00 a.m to 6:30 p.m!  So, basically I have surgical OSCE today. It doesn't contribute much to our final but everything that gives marks or even 1 mark towards my final exam is BIG for me. At this stage, everything matters. So, I got a very, which i thought, 'typical' case of ascending cholangitis. For those who don't do medicine or not a big fan of surgery can click the 'x' button now ( I have a story about my handsome examiner,though) because I'm gonna be very factual and annoying now. The patient came with very typical cholangitis symptoms, RUQ pain, fever and jaundice, the famous Charcot's triad. He was treated with IV antibiotics and went for all appropriate investigations. I was very happy tbecause I just had a very intense discussion with my friends about it. Then, the patient started to explain about his hypotension problem and the examiner added that the patient also had altered mental status. I was like...okay Reynauld's pentad (since we have triad before, this guy just added another 2 symptoms. Triad now becomes pentad, and he put his name in front of it. Why do i even bother to explain this to you?). When the examiner asked me about the management of this disease I confidently listed all the management for ascending cholangitis because all I knew, Reynauld's pentad is related to ascending cholangitis. Then, my examiner who looks like Adam Levine (I was a bit distracted dengan kekacakkan beliau) said,
"Siti, you just killed your patient."  I normally will argue this because my patient is my 'everything' and I will not kill patient but he's too kacak. So, I kinda let it go...
To make the story short , the patient had SIRS secondary to acute cholangitis which it hit me hard because man, medicine is hard and I can kill a patient if I miss this. This made me feel very disappointed with myself.  Maybe it was too late in the evening and I forgot SIRS can happen in almost all diseases that involve infection or I just remembering Reynauld's pentade without actually understand it. Damn it Reynauld! You came out with a pentad but you didn't explain anything about it. So I went home with frustration. On the bright side, I learned a lot from that doktor kacak.

Oh well, just another long day. i mean loooooooong day.




p.s: I should book my flight ticket to Iceland but internet connection now is really slow. Argh! Can't wait to see Reykjavik, though! I always want to go to Iceland after watching Walter Mitty.

you are not an angel

For me, the hardest question to answer is "How do you describe yourself?" . I don't even know how to describe myself but one thing that I'm pretty confident to say about myself is I hate when people think they are perfect like God or even when they think they are so much better than other people. You can ask me to wait in cold  for one hour ( mind you,  Dublin is very very windy and raining all the times) but I can't be with 'gedik' people who think they are so perfect and always look down at other people for even just 5 minutes.  It annoys me like hell!

Like seriously!

oh well, we are not perfect...

Enough is enough.

I will not deny but that the best apology against false accusers is silence and sufferance, and honest deeds set against dishonest words.