Antidepressant

I have been thinking of shutting down this blog since my life now is not so tragic anymore and it is more like a routine now. Yeah, it is kinda depressing when we think our life as a routine. I wake up every morning, Subuh, go to hospital or clinic from 8 or 9 (if I'm lucky)  until 5 or 6 p.m and go home to eat, study, sleep and whatnot. No wonder people say medic is a lifestyle. 

Some of my friends think my life only revolves between travelling and nice cafes. They obviously have no idea about the part of my life that revolves between grumpy patients, cranky doctors ,competitive colleagues and exams. Never underestimate other people's hardship just because they look happy on Instagram. There are thousands of trees in a forest but no two leaves are alike and no journeys along the same path are alike. We all have our own hardships but some people decide to be positive and look happy in front of other people. 

Well, I think life is hectic. No, life is hard but passion and patience will get me through it. At least, that is how I want to think whenever life gives me so many lemons. 

Anyway, I was planning to go to Copenhagen from Edinburgh but something has stopped me from going there. Maybe not this time (pujuk diri sendiri T__T ) I ended up going somewhere else that brought me closer to nature instead of magnificent buildings, cultures, food and people. Beach, cliff, rocks are my kind of antidepressant pills for now.

My no-filter photos :

This was after spending 5 minutes on top of the cliff and looking down at the sea below. I'm a person who can pass out because of the height. So 5 minutes on cliff is a big deal for me and please don't ever ask me if want to do skydiving or bungee jumping in New Zealand. Never! You can leave me alone in Papua New Guinea, I won't pass out but height? No way. 

Have a good day people and don't stress!

Creepy

Kids. Those small creatures. They are cute until they say something creepy that reminds you of Chucky. Don't get me wrong I love kids but lately for unknown reasons, I keep getting  'creepy'  paeds cases that I had never imagined before. For patient confidentiality purpose, I would not share the cases here but there is one particular case that keeps me awake until 1-2 a.m these past few nights (because I have to write a clinical report on this -.-').

"Emily (patient's imaginary friend) is sitting right next to you, doctor. She says, she likes you."

"Doc, you hands are sooo small, I want to eat them and let you bleed out and die. hahaha"

Tell me, how would you react to these?

On happier notes, 

"My name is C. I know your name! Your name is doctor. The other lady there, her name is doctor too."

Apparently, 'doctor' is our first name.

Kids.

A random post about travelling alone and I'm not on holiday now.

When people ask why do I love to travel, I will say  I get 'high' whenever I'm in a foreign city with a map in my hands and the only people I know there is myself (no, I don't do drugs not even when I was in Amsterdam. God, no. The weeds brownies looked so tempting, though) I don't know about other people but for me, travelling makes me feel like 'hey, I'm living my life!' and of course it gives me life lessons.

Last spring, I went to Budapest alone and you know, you have one of those days when you are 'stupider' than other days, no? So, 'one of those days' was the day when I was in Budapest. I lost my map and I could not find my way back to the hotel after I went to see the Chain Bridge ( the bridge that connects Buda and Pest and, surprise,surprise they named the city as Budapest). After asking a few people who refused to speak in English, I decided to sit at one corner in a gift shop and cried. -.-' Then, a homeless guy came to me, "Why are you crying, little lady?" He spoke in English better than anyone else in Budapest that time, I swear to God!! It was so irony because my friends keep warning me to be very careful with the homeless people and gypsy group there but one of them actually directed me to my hotel. So, the life's lesson from this, whenever you are lost, pick a corner and cry. No, I'm kidding. Don't cry! It shows that you are weak and you are inviting bad people. I was just so lucky that time . The second lesson is, like our grandmothers always say, don't judge a book by its cover. Sometimes, 'the help' comes from the unexpected sources. You just need to keep asking.



Anyway, right now, I'm still at the same hotel as last week for my GP rotation but in a different room. They give me a honeymoon suite this time. My medschool always knows how to make me feel like a loser. A honeymoon suite for a single lady? This is just so sad, man. I'm not here for holiday like some people on my instagram  think. I'm at the clinic from 9-5 everyday learning my bum off to be a friendly doctor (which i'm not. Yet). When I was in Kilkenny for my Obs and Gynae rotation, my mom called me when my brother showed her my instagram photo of my room in Kilkenny. She thought that I went to travel alone again to some random towns in France. You need to take the chill pills, mom.

My room for this week.

Gosh, this looks so..i don't know..lonely?

This was in Kilkenny for my OnG rotation. Cute and very homey. 

In Kilkenny too. 

Oh well, have a good Monday, guys. As for me, Monday means baby vaccinations. Dear babies, please don't cry. Life, as you grow up, is more painful than your vaccines injections.

A small village

After 7 weeks of Obs and Gynae rotation ,(and I love it so much) now I'm in my 5th week of GP rotation. Man, time flies so fast! I have so much fun in both of my rotations so far. In Obs and Gynae, everyone is always rushing and so busy like no one takes the chill pills. For GP you can sit down and organize you thought because it involves more patient-doctor relationship, explore patients' emotions and oh Lord, you encounter ethical dilemma for almost everyday. For me GP rotation is not too bad actually especially when I have the best GP tutor ever! He deserves another entry, another day. haha. However, I'm still very much in love with Obs and Gynae even my GP tutor notices that I look so happy everytime I see pregnant patients in practice (or clinic or whatever you call it).

Well, now I'm in a small village in county Wicklow for my rural GP attachment and thank God they give me a nice hotel room to stay because being away from Malaysia is hard enough, now I have to be away from Dublin for 2 weeks alone and a crappy room is the last thing I want. Call me mengada or anything. At this point, I don't mind dah. 

backpack harus matching dengan seluar

While I'm writing this, I'm actually watching Friends at 2.48 a.m. Oh my life.

p.s : I heard about only-female-doctors-are-allowed-in-labour-room petition that people sent to KKM. For me, whoever sent the petition, they are insulting all doctors especially obstetricians and gynaecologist. Frankly, it is a stupid petition. Yes, as a patient, you have the autonomy right to choose your doctor but to what extent you want to risk your life and your innocent baby just because you don't want a male doctor to examine you? 

Perfect

I have a funny story, well, not that funny that you can laugh hahaha! but ah you know. So, one day my friend randomly told me that she would love to trade her life with my life. I found it funny because she thought my life was so much better than hers (obviously she has not seen me walking absentmindedly in the hospital yet) and I thought her life was perfect. We laugh after telling each other how imperfect our lives are. I told her how I cry every morning to get out of my bed and how I feel stupid everyday when I don't know how to answer simple questions from consultants. She told me how she has to fight with her French neighbour everyday and how tiring it is to always look fashionable everyday ( she works in fashion industry which I thought the happiest job ever!)

How we perceive perfection is sometimes different from what other people would perceive. We don't have an answer scheme how a perfect person or life should be. This makes most of us try so hard to achieve our own version of 'perfection' and up to one point we would end up at the other end of spectrum, 'out of norm'. We become so obsessed with other people's perfect life and start comparing with our lives. As cliche as it sounds, life is not perfect and you can't expect people to be perfect for you. We should stop chasing a perfect life but try to see the beauty of imperfections. Allah is so merciful, you might be lack of certain things but He gives you more on other things.

Oh well, be grateful and have a nice weekend.

Sisters

"Nothing in this world will lasts forever, neither your pain, Aisyah. Alway be the bigger person. Always be the wiser person."

-Syamim-

Excuse my cracked lips. 

Happy birthday, babe! 

I'm still using your duvet here in Dublin, fyi. See, I love you that much.

"No matter how badly people treat you, never drop down to their level. Forgiveness is always the key to move on."

"Always, always, always be positive, Aisyah. Always!"

-Nadira-

Happy birthday, Nadira!

I'm a tea person now because of you.

When sorry is not good enough.

I still remember when I was 7 years old, I pushed my little brother from his bike. He fell and cried for 10 years. I mean he cried for a quite long time. My mom asked me to say sorry to him. I did say sorry but I didn't mean it at all. He deserved it because he took my  favourite story book and put it in the toilet bowl.

As an adult, we can't just simply say sorry, you have to mean it. In hospital 'sorry' is not a good word. It can be 'Sorry you are dying and nothing we can do' or 'Sorry, this is going to be a bit painful but just bare with me for a second.'

I met a patient in antenatal ward ( ward for pregnant mothers) last two week. She looked so happy and excited. I asked her if I can examine her abdomen and as I expected she was more than willing to cooperate with me. 

"Can you feel my baby?"

"Yes. His back on your left side."

"Oh really?" 

"Are you excited?"

She smiled.

"My baby was diagnosed with Edward syndrome. I wish he can stay longer in my womb."

I stopped palpating her abdomen.

"I'm so sorry."

I blamed myself for not taking her history first. I should not just go and feel her distended abdomen just because i want to practise for my exam. 'I'm sorry' here might not be enough when you know half of babies with that condition do not survive beyond one week of life.



Sometimes, sorry is not good enough but you have to mean it.