Hello, again!

Oh wow it had been one year since the last time i wrote here. Well, life is pretty hectic but in a good way. What not to be thankful when I have a stable job, a place called home and most of all my little family. My last entry here was about my baby girl. Guess what, she is one now! Yes, Zara Sofea now is one year old. Jumping and running all the times. Time surely flies so fast like a Russian rocket, right? Oh yeah, I have been working as a doctor for one year too. Doctoring while mothering is one tough job, no kidding, guys! I still find it hard to leave my daughter everyday to go to work. It still makes me question my decision to be a doctor. 'I wan to quit' is my mantra every morning, seriously. Hahaha. Well, mommy needs money, shoes and handbag so being a stay at home mom is not an option for now. I mean...not until I get my full medical licensed. Anyway, I have a lot to write but not today. Maybe later. Maybe...

Horrible experience as a mom

So, my baby girl, Zara Sofea just turned one month old last week. We were very excited on that day, taking her pictures and video. My husband took half-day off because Zara needed her second vaccine. Everything was fine that day and Zara was just being herself drinking and 'melekat' with her mommy. After we got her vaccinated, we went home and everything started to change. She started to become very fussy, cried when I put her down and my biggest worry of all, she vomited after each feeding. I mean, she always spit up milk but not really vomiting. She vomited the same amount of milk that she drank and this worried me because she might not retain any fluid. We thought oh it must be how her body reacted to the vaccine or to the mee goreng I had that morning according to Kak Mah (our helper). -.-'

After 3 days, her condition was still the same. She vomited everytime I breastfed her but she pooped and wet her diapers regularly. So as a mother and a doctor I had a list of differential diagnosis at the back of my mind. From where I graduated (Ireland), a baby at this age presented with this kinda symptom, I would think pyloric stenosis even though she did not have projectile vomiting. I told my husband about it but you know daddy always think there is nothing wrong with her precious daughter (my husband is soooo into being a daddy now and he loves Zara more than me, it hurts. He calls her sayang which he used to call me   that, you know).  After one crying session (i was the one who cried not zara), he decided to bring Zara to see our GP. Then the nightmare started. Our GP worried that Zara has pyloric stenosis too. Hurmm how to say this ah? I mean yes, PS is one of my differential diagnosis for my Zara too but I did not expect our GP would think she has it since PS is more common in boys, first born son and Caucasian. Based on the epidemiology, it doesn't fit with Zara but yeah anything can happen, right? So our GP wrote a referral letter and ask us to bring Zara to A&E. We went to a government hospital which cannot be named here and it was a huge mistake. We waited for hours just to see a MO but I could not complain much since I knew the system here. Then the MO asked us to get an abdominal xray done for Zara. Oh by the way when he saw 'pyloric stenosis' on the referral letter, he kinda excited. I think because it is rare in Malaysia. I asked him why should we get an Xray because it is not a diagnostic to diagnose or rule out PS. He said he wants to rule out other things. Fair enough. Then we got the abd xray and it was a totally textbook-normal -baby abdominal xray, I swear to God but he thought the stomach was a bit dilated on the film. I did not want to argue since he is the medical officer and I am just a hospital officer yang baru nak start kerja. He also said Zara had projectile vomiting. I mean.. yeah she did vomit a lot but they were not projectile. I had seen projectile vomiting before  but again, he has more experience. He said he would call paed team to review my baby Zara. While waiting, he inserted IV line into Zara's tiny vein on her hand and that was the moment I breakdown. I cried like hell when I saw two doctors tried to pin Zara down on the bed and inserted the IV line. She cried like she never did before and I swear to God I will not let her cry like that again. Her face turned red as if she was in agony. And you know what the two MOs did while inserting the line? They talked about how awesome this case would be for their presentation next week. I dont know...but I found it soooo rude. As a person in medical line, I think it was so unethical because you should not treat a patient as a case but as a human. Yes, i do understand sometimes we get excited if we see rare cases in the hospital but no matter how rare the diagnosis is, it is still a bad news for the patient.  

Anyway, he sent us to this one room where there were 2 dengue patients, 2 gastroenteritis toddlers, and guess what, there was one measles patient. Yes, they put my one old month baby in the same room with a measles patient! I could not hold myself and ran to get the MO and bag him to not put my Zara who has not got her MMR vaccines yet with the measles patient (oh mak budak tu antivax!!!). All he said was, 'Eh mana boleh. Kena jugak duduk dalam bilik tu for rehydration.' I took my own initiative to hold the rehydration which I think it was unnecessary since Zara did not show any dehydration signs pun but yeah i did not have the power to say that. We went to wait into another room and finally we met the paed team. They said it could be anything and again I asked for ultrasound to be done since I really wanted to rule out PS (because ultrasound, food test and barium enema are more diagnostic for PS) but they said they dont have the speciality here. I need to see paed surgeon in othet gov hosp. They said they will review the xray again and update us later. When they said later, they meant 4 hours after that. Zara cried for one hour because she was so hungry and I was not allowed to breastfeed her. She then slept in my arm sebab penat menangis. It really broke my heart. After 4 hours they said they wanted to admit Zara for monitoring. That time me and my husband already lost our patience.  We had enough. Actually i lost mine earlier (with the measles patient situation). We decided to take our own risk and discharged Zara from that hospital. After making a call to Zara's paed in Columbia Hospital, I was informed that that there is one paed surgeon at SJMC. I called SJMC and they said they can get us to see the surgeon straight away if we want. So we 'ran off' from the hospital. I dont know what had got us that day when we decided to go to that hospital which cannot be named here. I mean we have our own paed that we love, we should have gone to see her. It was a huge mistake. Huge! Maybe it was my mistake too to put high expectation on that hospital.
Anyway, after meeting 3 specialist including a radiologist, Zara has been diagnosed with reflux. I mean, almost all babies have reflux and it will disappear as they grow up. Alhamdulillah she is totally normal.  I totally get now why mothers would go extra miles for their babies. Watching your baby cries in pain is the worst thing ever and like my mom told me, 'haaa tu la baru tahu perasaan mak-mak ni.'   -.-' 

Labour story

9/2/2016 

I was 40 weeks 4 days. Got not signs of labour at all. It was CNY holiday and we spent the whole day at home, eating. 

"I made up my mind. I want to be induced tomorrow!" 

"Okay."

"But i heard it is more painful than the natural one." 

"Then, we'll wait." 

"No. Let's have our baby tomorrow." 

The idea of me having an induced labour had been a controversial topic between our family members. My mom tried to convince me to wait for the natural call since she, as usual, against anything artificial. Some of my friends even gave their  'advice' by suggesting that I should go for c-section because they thought I'm too small for a normal labour! I know, right! Almost unfriend these negative people. Anyway, when it comes to this kind of matter, based on my recent experience, you dont need to consult the whole village. Just do whatever you think that is the best for you and your baby. There are only two person that you should listen to, your husband and your obgyn. 

10/2/2016 

2:30 am 

Started to have regular contractions but the pain was still bearable. I started recording the time interval between contractions and how long each contraction last using the app that I downloaded in my still functioning 4s. After awhile the app asked me to go to hospital since the contraction became very close. Still not panic since the water was still intact and no blood yet. 

5:30 am 

Still could not sleep because the contractions were getting stronger. I told my husband and asked him to get ready.

7:40 am 

Still had appetite to eat my husband's tasty nasi goreng. He put lots of chillies because that is how I like my nasi goreng.  

8:00 am 

Put all the necessary stuff including my fav maternity pillow in the car and we headed to Columbia Hospital, Puchong. Why did I choose this hospital? Later I'll tell in different post, ok ? 

8:30 am 

Arrived at their A&E and was brought straight to labour room. CTG was on and they told me I was having quite strong contractions. Pheww this time was the real one. Not Braxton Hicks anymore. I was happy for awhile because I thought I can deliver naturally. No need to be induced. 

9:00 am

My obgyn came and did VE. Nobody warned me 'the exam' is painful! The doctor told me it was only 1cm. In my mind it was already 5-6cm. She told us that I need to be induced or else it is going to take another 2-3 days. It was more heartbreaking to hear that than knowing my ex was cheating with another girl. So without any hesitation, my husband just said yes. I was like dude, she is gonna put something up into my vjj ok not yours! Slow down but in 2 secs all I heard, ok prostin done. Oh well.

9:30 am 

I started to feel the effect of prostin. God, it was sooo painful. The contractions were so close to each other and man, they were strong. In the middle of the battle a nice lady came in and asked

"Madam, do you want chicken with mashed potato or fish with lemon grass soup for your lunch?" 

Seriously? I was in the middle of sakit beranak you asked me about food? Of course I said chicken. Heh. 

10:40 am 

2 midwives came to give me enema and suddenly I had the urge to pass motion. Then, they let me did it naturally. At least that one was natural, my husband told me. -.-' 

After that, I was in agony. Me vs contractions. 

11:40

The two nurses came in again and this time they did VE. I told them not to do the exam just because it's bloody painful. Both of them were telling me to go for csection if I could not stand the pain. Argh. I said, I'll wait for my doctor to do it. I could not remember but one of them did it eventually and told me that I was still 1cm dilated. I was crying like a baby because it was so painful I expected it to be dilated to 4cm at least. And again they told me to go for csection because they thought my pain treshold was very low and plus, they thought my progress was a bit slow. Well, diorang tak pernah beranak so tak tahu sakit beranak macam mana.My doctor never asked me to go for csection. Since I was not in my right mind because of the pain, I told my husband I want Csection. My husband asked me to ignore that thought but hey, no uterus no talking ok, mister. Then he asked the nurse to give me painkiller. The only option we had that time was pethidine. One shot was given. It did not really work for me! I still felt the pain as much as I did before the shot. I was begging my husband for csection until I dozed off and my husband left me for Dhuha prayer. 

12:30 pm

The doctor came and did the VE and again I cried like a baby. She said it was already 4cm! The nurses were wrong! Cepat je bukak. 4cm, the number I was waiting for. You are only allowed to have epidural once your cervix dilates to 4cm. I told my doctor I wanted epidural and she said yes straight away since I was already shivering in pain. 

2:30 pm 

The anaes came. The moment she stepped in I swear I saw an angel wearing scrub. She was my guardian angel since she had the happy drug. People keep saying to avoid epidural but believe me girlfriends, you know your own body. I admit I'm not good dealing with pain. For me, taking epidural was the right decision. After that, I was no longer in agony. I could read Quran and listened to my husband's jokes and laughed (not punching his face) again. 

5:30 pm 

The doctor came to do VE and this time I did not cry. Thanks to my bestfriend, happydural. She said my cervix was already dilated 7cm. It was quick. She expected me to deliver the baby around 7 to 8pm. I then continued chatting with two friendly midwives (not the one who asked me to go for csection) and read Quran. I felt so calm. 

6:30 pm

The midwives told me they will empty my bladder. I was like yeah, just do whatever you need to do, I dont feel anything down there. Then, one of the did VE and told me I was already 9cm. My husband was not around that time and I started to get panic until the midwife told me to keep calm and teach me the breathing technique. 

7:00 pm

The doctor came in and asked me one question, 

"Are you ready to push?" 

I said yes but in my mind, wait, what to push? I did not feel anything. I was on epidural, remember? One disadvantage, you dont know what and when to push if you are on epidural. I kept pushing until my body was shivering. I told them I needed sugar since my hands were shaking like crazy but then it was not because I was hypoglycaemic. It was due to the great pain and stress on my body. The pain that I could not feel. Ya, sakit beranak tu 1/3 daripada mati. Be nice to your mother! 

7:39

Suddenly, baby's heart beat dropped. I cried and my doctor decided to use vacuum. Masa tu dah redha asal anak selamat je. I did not think the pain I have to go through once the epidural effect gone. 

7:41 pm 

We heard our baby's cry. The most beautiful sound in the world (that time but not now, Zara). The doctor put her on my  chest for skin to skin time. My husband cried a bucket. Then, they took her away from us for as the paed's team needed to check on her breathing. They told us not to worry but obviously I was super worried. 

7:50pm 

My obgyn started doing her 'artwork' on my wohoaha. Assisted vaginal delivery did the whole lot of damage downthere. Again, be nice to mommy, Zara. Up to this very moment, as Im writing this, I'm still traumatized with my first labour experience. 4 children? One is enough la, sayang eh? 

9:00 pm

I could feel my left leg but not my right leg. My baby was still in nursery. We were waiting for her in the room and I started crying again. Risau wehhhh! Then the nurse came in, 

"Madam, your baby is here. She is so hungry." 

She was so adorable with her pink receiving blanket and I was told her weight was 3.46kg! The nurse looked ay me and said

"I did not expect her mom is this small."

Alhamdulillah. At least it was a normal delivery eventhough we underestimated her weight. Hahaha

This was the first photo her daddy took. Fresh from the oven! 

After I fed her for the first time. She has a very good sucking reflex even her paediatrician was very surprised. 

Her first bath at home. She loves water so much. Bath time with her Tokmi is her favourite.

Everyone told us she has thick and black hairs. Asyik kena gomol dengan daddy je.

You are a very classy sleeper, Zara.

We decided to shave her head, I mean our parents told us to. T_T My baby girl dah botak.

At first, everyone thought she has chubby cheeks and sepet eyes after her daddy. Semua tertipu. She got my mom's hazel eyes. Haha and they were not sepet ok!  Oh she is still all the way daddy's girl. So manja with her daddy.

That was my labour experience. Painful but it was a beautiful pain. 

Dear Zara Sofea, 

If one day you read this, I want you to know it was very painful to bring you into this world. So, please buy me all those nice Chanel shoes and handbags. I'm kidding. We love you soooo much. Regardless what people say about me having you at the start of my career, I still think having you in my life right now is the best decision I ever made. We might be clueless as new parents but we will do anything to ensure you will grow up as a great person. Listen to mommy ok?! 

Ps: excuse any spelling errors since I write this while breastfeeding Zara Sofea. Argh breast feeding, that is another tragic story. Till then! 

She is finally here!

Alhamdulillah after 40 weeks and 5 days, my 'well-baked' baby (that is the term my obgyn use for overdue baby) is finally here. No words can describe my mixed feelings despite of the bloody (literally) painful labour I had. Luckily, we have 'happydural'. God bless whoever created this genius pain blocking method. I salute you, sir or madam(?)! I want to write my labour story here for my own reference jugak but Baby Z is so clingy now. I should get her now before she starts to scream. Thanks for all the dua and wishes (you know who you are)! I'll write my labour story later, S. Dont worry. 

Still huge

39 weeks now and no signs of labour yet. Well, I did get Braxton Hicks but that was it. My mom and my sister had their first baby at 38 weeks. So, I was hoping to have my first baby last week and coincidentally, I had strong contractions every 10-15 minutes last week. I asked my husband to get ready to come back from his office that day. The contractions were so strong to one point I thought it must be 4-5 cm already. Wishful thinking. -.-' After a while, they were gone just like that. No more contractions. Yilek! I told my husband to just stay calm at his office doing whatever engineering stuff he had to do. Luckily we had appointment with our beloved obgyn that night (yes, our obygn does antenatal check up at night too!). My obygn said it can be anytime now but it was still false contractions. I cannot imagine how painful the real one is gonna be. *cry* Dear baby ZS, if you are reading this one day, you better be good to mommy!

I'm basically a ticking bomb. A slow one, I guess. I really hope BabyZS is ready to come out now since her weight was 2.9kg last week (I guess it is 3kg by now). 

People say walking is good to ease labour, hence the picture above. Our neighbourhood has a very nice jogging route and outdoor gym, I would say. So, I decided to go for walking for almost 2km with my husband. If that does not make my baby want to come out yet, I don't know what else should I do ( oh dont tell me to eat spicy food. I eat cili api as ulam). 

If you are ready Baby ZS, please come out. Mommy and Daddy can't wait to see you.

Connection

It was 4 am and I could not bring myself to sleep. It was not because of pregnancy insomnia this time. I was very tired since I cooked one whole chicken, making rissoles from scratch and cleaned my whole house. I purposely tried to make myself tired during the day so that I could have a better sleep at night. Plus it is recommended to be active at this stage to ease labour. There were no reasons to not fall asleep that night. I looked at my husband who was sleeping next to me comfortably and soundly without a baby twirling and kicking in his tummy. How could you sleep while I even out of my breath if I lay down on my back. If I sleep on my right or left, my baby will start twirling and kicking so hard. Then, it hit me. The reason why I could not sleep this past few weeks because I'm worried. I'm worried  that my baby is not comfortable with my sleep position or I'm just afraid I will somehow crush her, I dont know. I mean it is not medically possible because the amniotic fluid won't allow me to crush her and her still soft bones make her very flexible at this stage. But may be my pregnancy hormone or maternal instinct that somehow makes me think the worst things. I dont get this feeling during my first or second trimester and to be honest, at first,  I didn't feel any connection at all with my sweet baby. It is not that we don't plan to have her (believe me, we want this baby more than anything else in this world), but I just could not bond with her during the first 5 months of my pregnancy. I read many articles how to bond with your bump but I still felt nothing. Then, I talked to my sister-in-law whom I'm very closed with (God bless her, I love her so much) and of course, my mother too. They made me feel normal because they also had the same problem during their first pregnancy. Alhamdulillah after practising what they shared with me I feel very connected to my baby (I'll try to write about this in another post because I know some of my friends also have the same problem). As my pregnancy progress, I started to understand what people mean by maternal instinct. Plus, my baby now can reacts to external stimuli, it makes our bonding time becomes more fun. I talk, sing and read to her. I really enjoy the bond we have but sometimes, I wish to have just one or two nights in a week when I can sleep peacefully.
After trying all sorts of position to sleep that night, I finally melted down and cried like a baby. I didn't want to wake my husband since he has been working hard lately and he needed his rest. I went to the room next to ours as we turned it to the nursery room.  When I looked at the clean white baby cot that my husband assembled, the changing table, the toys we bought for our baby and all her tiny clothes that look so cute, I cried again. This time I cried because I feel bad thinking that I will not be a good mother because I asked for a good sleep. I feel so guilty and ungrateful for wishing my baby to stop kicking at night just because I wanted my good sleep. I don't know if this is just my crazy roller coster pregnancy hormones but I'm very sure the journey to be a mother is not easy  It is not only you have to endure the physical pain but also emotionally. I'm learning step by step now. I love my mother more than ever now and I'm getting to understand her more and more. All mothers just want the best for their children and sacrifice is the key.

Cooking

I'm a type of person selagi boleh masak kat rumah, I masak. Luckily, my husband loves home-cooked food (or he is obligated to love my food) and it is very easy to feed this one. I'm very particular what food i put into my mouth and my husband's. I'm becoming more and more like my mother (she is everything about healthy and organic food). I remembered the first time I went groceries shopping with my husband after we got married. He load up our trolley with so many junk food and frozen food which they will never and ever be in my groceries list. The way I was brought up in my family, groceries mean REAL FOOD. Veggies, eggs, salad, rice, olive oil, fruits and more fruits. Our snacks are fruits. I told my husband I want real food and all those junk food, carbonated drinks, 3 in 1, chocolates, potato chips are not allowed in my kitchen. No wonder why some people complain our food's prices are expensive. If you just choose to buy real food only, you can really make a difference about your groceries budget, I tell you. 

Slowly, my husband can adapt to how I prepare our food to one point it annoys me sometimes when he ask, only protein today? Where are my veggies? -.-'  He even starts to eat fruit for snack and searching for fruits in the fridge after we eat our mean meal. No more potato chips while watching Modern Family. Pheww. 

Anyway, my due date is approaching and then im gonna start to work soon. I'm afraid that I'm not going to have time to prepare food for my husband. I'm right now starting to make a list on what to cook and planning to cook for one week stock snd just put them in our freezer. When he wants to eat, he just need to heat up the food. We don't own a microwave, by the way (just another way to avoid eating fast or ready made food but now I'm thinking to get one just to make my life easier). Oh yeah, I'll go to that level just to make sure my family will eat good food that I cook. I've talked to many of mommydoctors or wifeydoctors who are still able to cook for their family despite of having crazy schedule at work. All of them said the same thing, time management. If they can do that, I can too, right? 

Ps: I watched Bajrangi Bhaijaan last night. I'm not a Bollywood fan, I dont ever  finished watching Khabi Khushi Khabi Gam, to be honest. This movie is different. Not clichè at all. It puts Dilwale straight into the drain. Sorry to all Dilwale's fans here, I think there is nothing special about the movie. I watched Dilwale with my husband for only 10 minutes and both of us went 'eeuwwww' and decided that movie is not for us (their songs are catchy, though).

Just random photos of home-cooked food

Nasi lemak. Not so healthy this one but I  used less santan to prepare the rice.

Roast chicken with bread stuffing. Do not need to eat with the rice as bread will serve as carb.

Butterhead is my favourite. Butterhead salad with pomegranate.

Jacket potatoes with carrot and cheese.

Peri-peri chicken and grilled beef with air-fried homemade spicy potatoe wedges.

(Air fryer is my fav kitchen gadget so far. It makes my life easier and healthier) 

Butter chicken.

Portugese grilled fish.